Help the Volturi?
by HarvestedHeart
Summary: CRACK. And I hate Twilight, so this is bashing. Edward is asked by the Volturi for some help pumping the love back into their marriages...but can he solve the problem? Lots of stuff I added in for the sake of it, rated M for some mature content, though it isn't much.


**Let's get this straight. I hate Edward, Bella and the whole dirty lot of those vampires. So I wrote this to laugh at them, like the fine, upstanding member of the Internet community that I am. If you came here looking for Twilight fluff, then you walked into the wrong fic. Hope the rest of you enjoy :).**

Under the cloak of darkness, the Volturi slipped into the Cullen household, cackling and burning photographs of Edward as they walked, then stomping on them like envious cheerleaders, only not because they weren't CHEERLEADERS. Because they were also sparkling-soda-esque creatures of Hell, the fire had no effect on their glimmering skin of concentrated HOMOSEXUAL.

Inside, Bella and Edward were doting over their mentally-disturbed daughter Renesmee. At first, the other members of their vampire family had been rather creeped out by the fact that Renesmee was aging rapidly and yet maintaining an I.Q. of 30 with no problems. However, her loving parents had this chalked up to her lovely disposition and also as an effect of her one true soulmate Jacob Wolfthing Black "imprinting" on her, so now they were fine with it.

"Mommy I drew u a picture!" Renesmee opened up her blouse to reveal her D-cup sized breasts, on which was printed a beautifully beautiful drawing of Bella, complete with her natural horns and anime furry-ears with Bella's slits of x-shaped eyes. It was a rendition worthy of the Louvre, as both her parents proclaimed as they touched and examined it in great detail….while Child Services immediately put the Cullen household on red alert, as they should have a long time ago. They also agreed to look into this Jacob Wolfthing Black. He sounded shifty.

Suddenly, in burst the Volturi. They looked around at the scene of happiness and naturally spat on everyone in the room with vampire spit. Since it was corrosive, Bella immediately fell down dead, to no one's great disappointment. Renesmee meanwhile started watching Baby Einsteins and immediately forgot that she had a mother.

"Oh god, this is about me and Jane, isn't it? I swear, I didn't know Aro was….."

"It's cool." Aro placed one of his white, bony, fleshless and maggoty hands on Edward's decaying shoulder. "We wanted to ask you something…."

"YEAH RIGHT, YOU WANT ME TO JOIN YOUR EVIL LITTLE ITALIAN MOB-CULT AGAIN! NO! I AM A NOBLE VAMPIRE!"

"Why on Earth would we ask you to join?" Caius snorted. "Only the strongest vampires can enter, and you have trouble killing human babies to eat. You are, sir, the moron of the vampiric world, dare I say, the Flanders of the Simpsons, the villagers in Naruto, Yuki in Fruits Basket, Kaname of Vampire Knight….."

"He doesn't get it." Aro hissed. "And stop making me regret letting you watch **MY** anime."

"Well then…" Edward mused. "THEN YOU MUST WANT TO KILL MY LOVE, BELLA!"

"Already did." The other Volturi, whose name was vastly unimportant in the grand scale of things pointed to the already rotting corpse of Isabella Marie-Sue Valencia Princess Peach Swan-Cullen. It was also being eaten by one of the Quilete wolves, but no one noticed.

"Oh…."Edward was clearly running out of ideas, as seen by the rapid crossing off of items on his "Why the Volturi Wanna See Me". The only two items still left were "Wants me to give speech on abstinence to goffik vampire tweens" and "Wants me to take them to Vegas and Graceland on a roadtrip."

Finally, Aro spoke up after twenty awful minutes of explaining where exactly Graceland was and what the fanfic "My Immortal" had really been about (it was a pop culture rendering of brutal stereotypes and adolescent coming of age), Aro spoke up.

"We…the leaders and masters of this vampire world…."he coughed, embarrassed. "Realize that despite your lack of manhood mentally and physically, you have…."He trailed off.

"Become a sex symbol." Caius finished mournfully, as if the news brought him the intense heartbreak of a thousand dying suns.

"Taken the spot that we, as masters of the vampiric world, DESERVE!" The other Volturi squawked as they all suddenly became aware of his existence. They then proceeded to execute him so as to allow fanfiction writers to not have to deal with remembrance of his name. He was buried in a mass grave consisting of several other nameless characters.

Afterwards, the two Volturi and Edward sat and talked.

"We want….to know your secret."Aro stated miserably as he spat into a cup of tea, causing it to immediately turn into compost on the spot.

"My secret?"

"How you have become the pimp of the vamp world."Caius drawled. "The Horatio, the Sasuke, the Zero, the Kyo…."

"SHUT UP." Aro snarled, "AND STOP MAKING REFERENCES TO THINGS YOU CANNOT COMPREHEND. IT IS BEAUTY LOST ON THE LIKES OF YOU."

"Eh." Caius was unfazed. "So, how'd you do it, Edmund?"

"Edward."

"Edfudd? That's a rather strange name."

"EdWARD."

"MY OLD ENEMY! WARREN EDD!" Caius lunged, fangs outspread, as Aro pulled him away harshly.

"That's Edpig Cullen, you idiot."

"Oh, it's only Edpig? Then why didn't he say so?"

"Because he's SPECIAL, if you KNOW what I MEAN." Aro enunciated painfully.

"Oh. That's right. SORRY EDPIG." Caius howled into Edward's ear, causing temporary deafness.

….

"My secret, why do you wish to know it?" Edward inquired.

"Isn't it obvious!"Aro cried. "We are victims of sexual frustration!"

"Come again?"

Aro sighed.

"All of us locked our wives in towers. I'd say we have issues."

"Oh, so you want to put the spark back in the marriage?"

"HOLY JASHIN YES!"

A smacking sound was heard as Aro finally de-armed Caius.

"That is to say…we do. We've tried everything. The locking up was the last resort, the last perverse Rapunzel fantasy we attempted to use to bring our marriages back to even neutral status…But their nagging, we had to cease it, so they've been locked there for centuries now…"

"Always 'go kill a human for me, I'm peckish' and 'why aren't you as passionate as Aro' ." Caius mimicked their high insufferable voices with no success, instead causing Edward to think that they must have married a pair of hippos.

It was clear that this was a dilemma that would challenge Edward greatly….

Two months later, Edward stood before them.

"God…" Aro breathed, staring at the figure before him with awe and admiration. "This is your secret?"

"Yep." Edward fingered his boxer, handpainted by Renesmee with shabby hearts and the slogan "Team Edward" on them. "These babies can get you anyone you please, just one look and they'll be begging to wrestle with you and have your demonic, mentally retarded, half-vampire spawn."

"Wow, they're that good?" Caius squawked. "Will they really work on EVERYONE?"

"For just 9.99 I'll throw in the 'Team Jacob' ones." Edward smiled.

"DEAL." Aro turned to Edward and shook his icy marble hand vigorously. "As a token of our gratitiude, you shall give both large sets of these two miraculous boxers for free and live to tell the tale."

"Done!" And they shook on it.

And all was well in Cullenland once more.

**That was fun. Yeah. I love bashing Twilight. Read and review :). **


End file.
